Nicaragua Dispatch’s 4th* Annual Bad Poetry Festival


A case of explosive Fritangarrhea

So if you’re looking for the scoop,
On how to simultaneously puke and poop,
To Nicaragua one must head, and to a nearby fritanga be led…
and eat yourself a big bowl of mondongo soup.

-Chelsea Castillo Macek

Nunca conocí Chontales :(

bad poetryI ate salty fried cheese
And saw a bird with pretty knees
I like my steak with a side of peas
Pero nunca conocí Chontales

So about that girl with nice knees
That’s the bird I mentioned in my leads
She was as soft as fresh cheese
Pero nunca conocí Chontales

“Por favor” in English means please
Remember that babe with the knees?
More cheese with my peas, please
Pero nunca conocí Chontales

Guillermo Rothschuh is a pundit whom I believe is worth listening to on certain issues regarding journalism and other media matters
Masaya is famous for it’s handcrafts
Christ, I’ve lost any semblance of iambic pentameter and this poem has really gone to shit in the last stanza here
Pero nunca conocí Chontales.

[Curtain falls. Then opens to show poet standing in Chontales. Crowd laughs. Applause]

-Ian Arthur Thunderwood

Poem 36 for Nicaragua*

The fat black cow
sat on a Meow Meow
She doesnt know when, she doesnt know how.
The Meow Meow is mad now
Don’t have a cow, she said to the Meow Meow

-The only way out is in

*This is one in a series of five poems. The other four were never written.

Happy Fun Canal Time With The Marvelous Mr. Wang

He comes from a planet far away
to make all our poverty go away
He’s our new Chairman Chinese pal
with plans for build us canal!

He’s fat and smart and cute and brave
Canal give good job to modern slave
Chinese canal glorious and grand
Campesino, we need your land

Big Chinese canal is like a moat
Turn lake into parking lot for boat

When canal is done, we’ll thank you Wang
Nicaragua is yours, so glad you came
The Sandinistas love you; that’s why they’re panderin’
And soon Nicaraguans will all speak Mandarin

-Jang Wing Nicaraguason

Who Shall Be King?

King Henry the Sixth was not lazy
But he did go crazy
And was put away somewhere
Next came Richard of York Lancaster
Though he was a dork
And the two houses started fighting
They wanted Henry back on the Throne
Hence, the War of Roses, became well known
York was the White Rose, Lancaster the Red
When the Roman Church door closes
They heard some very strange noises
And Henry was found dead
Richard was so happy, he stood on his head
He became so excited, he fell down dead
Who will reign now?

-Jonathan Lynch

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