A few months ago I published my latest book, Sons of Pirates – Conquered by the Caribbean Coast of Nicaragua. It’s 100+ pages chronicling some of the five years I spent living and traveling on the right side of the country. In lieu of writing a summary of the book myself I decided to print a letter my mother wrote after she purchased the book on Amazon. She does browse the Nicaragua Dispatch every couple of weeks so it will be interesting to see her reaction when she finds out that she too is now a published author.
Son, I love you very much but this ridiculousness has got to stop.
I read your book, Sons of Pirates, and it almost put me in the grave. In fact if Auntie knew the kind of stuff you were doing over there in Nicaragua she would be rolling over in hers. You seem to think it is “fun” and “exciting” to go gallivanting about with your friends in far away places but don’t you realize how dangerous that is? I wouldn’t have believe some of those stories were true if you hadn’t included pictures. Thank goodness you didn’t include a picture of the she-male. The description was enough to make my head spin. I know you went through a lot with the divorce; that’s a lot for any kid to go through. But isn’t it time to stop acting out?
Now hear me out Casey, I am talking serious. There are ROBBERS out there. Robbers who would have no problem to leave you dead in a ditch and nobody would ever know what happened to you. Do you hear what I am saying, son?
There are drug traffickers and bad men who carry machetes who would chop your head off without any hesitation and sharks and snakes. I think you were only three or four when your daddy was bitten by the ground rattler on the pinkie finger.
Thank God we got him to the hospital on time or he would have lost it. What would you have done if a rattlesnake had bitten you out there? In the book you say the Caribbean coast is one of the most remote areas in Central America. How far were you from a hospital? What would you have done? You would have spent the last hour of your life on that beach in the middle of bum fart egypt digging your own grave and maybe writing a goodbye note to your mother if you had any scruples, but knowing you it probably would have been a love letter to that prostitute locked in the cage you wrote about.
I sure hope you have gotten these adventures out of your system. Marcela seems like a nice girl and it’s high time you settled down for good and make me some more grandbabies. Your brother’s going to Ashley’s parent’s house for Thanksgiving and afterward I promised him that I am coming to visit you in Nicaragua. Please don’t do anything stupid like that canal documentation trip you were talking about. Robbers, Casey. Robbers and snakes.
Here are some job openings I found for some religious charities. It’s wholesome work. I want you to send in your resume and for God’s sakes son please don’t claim to be the author of that book. Nobody is going to hire you if they read that.
I love you and I will bring you a pan of brownies when I come visit.
Sons of Pirates is available in both paperback and Kindle through Amazon.com.